The Light In His Darkness
by x-Pearlwhite-x
Summary: Sirius Black and Severus Snape are both looking at Harry Potter. But what they see could not be more different.


Hello and welcome!

I just want you to know that this OneShot is originally in german and I translated it so more people are able to read it! You can find the german version on my profile (username: Rubinchen) on the german page of fanfiction.

Because I'm german and still practicing english I can't guarantee for a flawless text. If you see any mistakes please tell me in a review! I hope you enjoy the little OneShot even if it's pretty sad.

(The lyrics at the beginning and end isn't mine. It's from James Blunt's song Goodbye My Lover)

* * *

**_The Light In His Darkness_**

"_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me"_

**_H_**arry.

While Sirius was looking down to his godson from a dusty landing in Grimauldplace, an unusual feeling of sentimentality creeped over him. For he couldn't prevent himself from seeing James in Harry's rather lanky stature, the shape of his jaw line, the slightly lop-sided glasses and of course in his always rebellious ruffled hair. James, the best friend he was now already missing since 15 full years. It still felt like a miracle that a part from James survived through Harry. He was the only yet existing remnant from the marauder. Sirius clenched his teeth. Perhaps Molly was right. He saw too much of James in Harry. But how couldn't he?

Harry was sitting at the aged wooden table Sirius as a child had to sit at too while listening to his parents lectures about him being a shame for the whole family, and how he should take an example of his younger brother. The too familiar disgust shot through him as so often in these days, in whom he again was trapped in this horrible house. And now he couldn't even escape from it all by thinking of James and Hogwarts. This prospect had kept him alive during the darker days in Grimauldplace. Until after his fifth year of school he finally accomplished to leave his family and move to James during the summer holidays. Sirius smiled at his thoughts. Indeed it had been one of the happiest days of his life because James parents treated him like a second son.

He couldn't restrain the feeling that James had saved him. Sirius didn't want to even imagine what would had become of him if he hadn't chosen on this September the first, 1971 exactly the right compartment and thus hadn't got to know a boy who was so different to all the other children he had known before. For James was bursting with joy and frankness and encountered the eleven-year-old Sirius right away with warmth and affection, deciding to make him his friend.

Instinctly, Sirius had felt attracted to that light, had clung to it because after years with his family who instead of love only spread hatred and bleakness, there was a ray of hope in the darkness of his life. He suddenly saw a great deal clearer what was right and what wrong, what evil and what good and James gave him the strength to rebel against his parents, to draw himself out of the darkness into the light.

Grief flashed through his body and stung his heart. Where was he supposed to draw strength from now? A well known hopelessness lay itself around Sirius' heart like a cold rag and gave him the horrid feeling of suffocating.

His thoughts slowly slid back into reality and he noticed that he was still staring at Harry. And there it was again, a light, a little gleam in the all-embracing darkness of his life. He had to protect Harry. The thought burned its way through his numb body. He had to try to fill the gap James had left in the life of the fifteen-year-old. He had to do everything he could to ensure Harry a life as fulfilling as possible.

Because this was the only thing which was counting at this moment, it was James last wish.

Harry's laughter filled the room. Ron must had made a good joke. Sirius couldn't stop himself from immediately thinking of James' laughter that was nearly identical to Harry's. All at once memories of the good old times flooded his mind.

_James, who was nearly crying of laughter while listening to Sirius' story about how he had tricked their defence teacher into believing his lie about the reason of his lateness. _

_James, wearing a mischievous grin, planning a new ingenious prank. _

_James, laughing at that charming sort of way while Lily was throwing insult after insult at him. _

The memories were so bright and filled with happiness that for one moment he felt his heart warm up in order to then realise that it all was over. James and Lily were dead, Peter Pettigrew a traitor, Hogwarts miles away and he once again trapped in this odious house. A sad emptiness carried through Sirius body at that thought and he felt the loss as if the faithful Halloween night had been yesterday. He reminded himself of Remus being still there. But even their friendship wasn't the same after all these long years of separation. He didn't know why all these painful thoughts came back to him just now when he had have enough time in Azkaban to mourn James, Lily, Peter, his youth and his former life.

He forced himself back into present time and again his gaze found Harry. And however hard he tried, before his inner eyes Harry's features blurred, his green eyes became hazelnut brown and a mischievous grin spread across his face while he shuffled through his pitch-black hair in order to ruffle it even more.

Oh James.

* * *

At the other side of the room another man was likewise looking at the young Gryffindor. And as well as Sirius he recognised in him the features of James Potter, but instead of affection Severus Snape felt hatred. For there was something in the face of the Potter-boy that shouldn't be there, that was completely wrong there. Something that the potion master couldn't fade out, however hard he tried.

Her eyes.

The bright green always caught his eye and reminded him every day of his loss, his humiliation and his guilt. Sometimes he even wondered what the purpose of living was when the only thing that ever mattered was gone because of him. Only the boy was left now. The stupid boy who to 99% was exactly as his miserable father. But for this one percent of Lily in him Severus lived.

Sometimes the many years he was teaching at Hogwarts felt like a single blur to him. But there were also memories that even after more than fifteen years floated crystal-clear before his inner eye. All of them contained fire-red hair and hypnotic green eyes. Severus experienced these memories often enough in his pensieve or simply in his head because something in him wanted to feel the pain, the agony it was to think of her. Everyday his mind punished him with thoughts of her and renounced him the mercy of forgetting.

But he deserved it.

It was his fault she was dead. She could have had a happy life... with Potter - he suppressed his anger - her son and her nice bunch of friends. Although the thought of it disgusted him, he knew it would have made her happy. And this alone would have been enough for him. To know she was happy.

But he was it who had torn all her future plans apart. It was all his fault. Snape felt the sickness overcoming him, but he was used to suppress it. He knew only too well how to let the face look cold and emotionless while burning up inside.

His icy stare turned again to Potter and he wondered what Dumbledore had meant by saying Harry Potter would be more as his mother than as his father. A faint snort escaped him. The boy took himself as important as James Potter had done at his time. Just as his father he considered himself better than others and enjoyed the attention he got thrown behind by everyone. Severus still remembered all too well how James Potter strutted through the school as if he was the king and the others his inferiors, whom he could treat as he pleased.

Loathing rushed through Snape's body like poison, also a feeling he was more than used to. All the hatred that gathered together inside of him sometimes threatened to overwhelm him. Hatred for Remus Lupin, who only acted the innocent, but in truth was no better than his two friends, for Sirius Black, that little arrogant idiot, who reckoned it funny to humiliate him, for his students since they were all incapable and didn't have a clue of anything, for Harry Potter because he forced him every damn day to live with the burden to see her eyes in James Potter's face, for the dark lord, who took Lily's precious life in such a unnecessarily way and of course for James Potter, the man for whom it wasn't enough to humiliate him in front of the whole school, but who as well had to steal the only light out of Severus' life.

Yes, Lily had been the light in his darkness. She had lightened up his childhood and had made him forget the awful home and his terrible parents. Until... his first huge mistake. Until he said the word that had dragged Lily away from Severus... to _him. _He often wondered what would have happened if he hadn't said it back then. If he hadn't spoken out in a blaze of utter rage the one word she couldn't forgive.

_Mudblood. _

And from that moment he was only able watch her light out of the distance. It had moved far away from him, so far that it made him devote himself to other things. Gloomier things. Dark magic.

And eventually, as he was starting to accustom to the new dimness, he committed the biggest mistake of his life. He still had it clearly before his eyes... how he realised what he had done and begged the dark lord to spare her and then in his last hope went to Dumbledore. Afterwards he experienced the most excruciating night of his life, the fear, the hope...

And then the message. She was dead. She and James Potter, but the baby survived.

Severus desperately tried to repress the memories passing through his head because they were too painful and he was still standing in the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. But he couldn't. Like a deluge the pictures and feelings flooded his mind, snatching him out of reality.

The guilt, the guilt was the worst. It blazed in him, burnt him up, for he didn't deserve different. Why was he still living and she wasn't? When she had been so much more significant than him?

Snape didn't know what he would have done if Albus Dumbledore wouldn't have been there. Because Dumbledore managed to give his broken mind a purpose. Her son. Lily's son had survived. Harry Potter.

With a lot of effort Severus got back to the present time. Harry Potter was still sitting at the table with his friends. Snape fought for a blank expression and dared a look into the depth of the eyes of the fifteen-year-old boy. While he was regarding the beautiful green a need to protect these eyes overwhelmed him. It was his task to protect this boy. He did it for her - she would have wanted it.

But Lily Evans, the love of his life, was dead. Her eyes would never shine again. Her smile would never lighten up the room again. His light was extinguished. Forever.

"_I'm so hollow, Baby, I'm so hollow. _

_I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow._

_And I still hold your hand in mine, in mine when I'm asleep_

_And I will bear my soul in time, when I'm kneeling at your feet."_


End file.
